Making Choices, Crafting Me

Three o’clock in the morning and a moment of wakefulness, the phone was next to the pillow. I end my day listening to classical music. I know I should leave the phone alone, but I am a Facebook scroller. There was a question posted whether, given a second start at life, we would want the same father, or someone else. The comment box was loaded up with ‘praise-to-the-current-father’ posts. No one was up for changing dads.

I thought about it. I wasn’t about to hammer out a strong affirmative. Yes, I could do the same father, but not the same cancer that took him out when I was young. The presence of a father has been a bit of a mystery. I have done without one for much of my life. When my mum remarried, the man was her husband, not so much our father. We thought we were too old at that time to need a father. But I wonder how my life would have been different if he had not died. What kind of person would I have turned out to be? I never knew him well enough to know what mattered to him. Family mattered and he fought the cancer with every fibre of his body, but cancer all too often wins. But the rest of it? His views on politics? A football team? His views about asylum seekers and refugees? He wasn’t either, but he wasn’t totally British, being born in Indonesia and dealing with a very middle-England prejudice. Religious views? Roman Catholic, but not entrenched. He loved music, hot chilli sauce and practical jokes. I did not know him well enough to know if I wanted him a second time around, but I did want the chance to get to know him better.

I thought about other things in my life I would like to change.

The first to come to mind was my height. I could put up with glasses and the ‘four eyes’ taunting that came with them. If eyes are the window of the soul, then glasses make a good net curtain. No, it is height. I am fed up of being the shortest person in whatever company I am in. I would love to be five feet five inches tall. I am not asking for giant stature. Six inches added to my four feet eleven inches would have been nice. Not to tower over anyone, but just to fit nicely in with most people. The older I get the less inches I possess. I think I am four feet nine and shrinking. Gravity is getting to me. I was sitting on a bus the other day thinking about the incredible shrinking man. He kept shrinking until he joined the micro-organisms and the cat couldn’t see him any longer. I am the slowly shrinking woman. I think I am beginning to dislike the smug smile as I ask someone to reach for something from the top shelf in the supermarket. Maybe the smile is imagined.

The second thing I would change is possibly my choice of career. The good days were too far and few between. Even I had days when I questioned the need for Religious and Moral Education to be on the timetable. It was a job that parents ought to be teaching their children at home. But with such a stark move away from faith lifestyles and the ever-increasing number of people from a faith background that wasn’t Christianity, equipping young people with some knowledge about faith could ease them through people encounters. I hate to admit it but I wasn’t a great teacher. There is a footballer who used to play for Celtic who moved on to other clubs. His name escapes me, but a long time ago I taught him. My husband has this picture of the man and ‘This is Your Life’ and me being called to join the cast of those who had influenced his life. Not happening. I have not thought out what I will do instead. There was no great urge to do anything different.

A third thing I would change is the addition of children and a dog to our household. Biology made the first not happen and an anxiety that the dog would see the field beyond the back fence as his territory and pick fights with every other dog in there made the second a worry. A class full of pupils did not always do what I asked. Why would a dog be any different? We did IVF for a while, but biology interfered. Conceiving was doable with the help of sperm donors, but holding on to what was conceived was impossible. We did foster for a short time. I love the people they have grown up to be and take joy in thinking that some of how they turned out was down to us. I have learned over the years that there are some people that have a worst scenario outlook. When considering adoption no one told us we were too old, but they did tell us that our Christian faith would be a black mark against us. In a world where absolutes did not exist for many, a lifestyle of God-absolutes was not valued. No, ‘not valued’ is too light a phrase. To be considered dangerous was more like it. We never went down the adoption path, and it is something I regret. Yes, I would change the absence of children. Teaching is not a viable alternative.

Perhaps it is not us we want to change but other people. If only he was kinder and more compassionate. If only she was even-tempered. If only…

But, when all is said and done, there is no real going back and doing things a second time. We are the people we are because of all the circumstances we have lived through. Life shapes us and currently I like my shape. A few inches off the waist would be good but I like the inner me. I like the wisdom I have gained over the years. I like the friendships I have nurtured. These things do not fall upon us like rain on a wet day. They are crafted by us as we weather life’s storms.

It's a silly question – would you keep the same father? But it makes us think about what we value in people, what is good and to be held on to or what is not so good and should be cast aside.

The past may still colour how we see things or how we behave. A lot of it is deep down, subconscious and below the surface. It is the question of the future that should concern us. It’s not written yet. Who we want to be, the kind of father, mother, friend or employee – we get to choose. Who we get to be doesn’t just fall on us either. We craft who we turn out to be. And we craft ourselves better in community than we do alone. We look at the lives of other people and we learn – or we should do.

And the people around us? Often they are shaping their lives through what they see in us.